Once Upon A Time...

Once Upon A Time...
By Rita Lee

Sir Football was a renowned Englishman who travelled abroad in order to colonise natives and force them into field labour. He landed in Brazil where to his delight he found indigenous people, bananas and voodoos.

'This is going to be a piece of cake,' he thought through his top-hat.

And he didn't waste any time. With his fierce hooligan soldiers he initiated his evil doings by challenging a local tribe that was observing their antics with suspicion and mockery. 'Pretty nice Jesuits, don't play too bad, call the chief to have a look.'

The noble Englishman gesticulated, shouted, commanded, while also trying to hide tactical aspects of the game. Chief Pele enters the field. He takes hold of the ball, smells it, shakes the foreign 'coconut' and starts showing exotic tricks (later to be known as 'embaixadas') which the Englishmen imagined to be some sort of homage paid by the chief to show submission. In reality, it was a sign for the natives to assume their poitions on the pitch for an all-out attack. Sir Football and his hooligans came close, I mean really close, to being transformed into bowling pins, which would have consequently changed the name of the game forever.

Chief Pele and his tribe didn't give the Englishmen a chance to get near, let alone touch the ball (this is the origin of the current Brazilian expression 'for English eyes only').

But finally managed to have a penalty called in their favour, the score already being more than 1,000 goals to 0 for the natives. The situation was chaotic, when suddenly Sir Football had the brilliant idea to offer a bet. 'Your kingdom for a goal!!!'

Chief Pele accepted, and to everyone's astonishment, went to lie down in his hammock for a nap. Sir Football himself got into position to take the penalty, made ready, smirked a malicious smile, and kicked...kicked hard...kicked with class...and hit the post! It was a nice post made up of two charming banana trees that, with the ball's impact, dropped a bunch of bananas into the goal, adding the final touch to the Englishmen's humiliation.

Contrary to legend, Sir Football didn't end up the main course at the natives' victory banquet. He did, though, humbly substitute his top-hat (as now a symbol of power) for a coloured gourd, and departed with a few remaining odds and ends, for England. It is said that he changed his name to 'Futebol' to be able to enter his Kingdom unnoticed.

As for hooligans, they never managed to play again and so formed a guerrilla brotherhood known to operate undercover among English football fans.

Pele is well known today all over the world as the biggest 'Top-Hat' hunter around. His collection is visited daily by people from all over the world who are interested in the art of scoring more than 1,000 goals per game.

>Published in the anthology Perfect Pitch: Dirt, edited by Marcela Mora Y Araujo & Simon Kuper